


5 Times Someone Came to the Wrong Conclusion (and 1 Time They Were Right On The Money)

by Readerofmuch



Category: Kane and Feels (Podcast)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Fluff, M/M, Mutually Unrequited Pining, SPOILERS FOR WONDERLAND II, These two dorks, You Have Been Warned, from chapter 4 onwards we are all Spoiled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-10-31 21:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17857685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Readerofmuch/pseuds/Readerofmuch
Summary: People have been coming to the wrong conclusion about Kane and Feels for a long time. Individually, together, and about exactly how "together" they might happen to be. Most of the time, people are wrong. That doesn't mean they're off the mark though.If you find yourself unable to tell the difference between friendship and romance, searching for mutually unrequited pining, or just looking for a good read, you might need Kane and Feels: Paranormal Investigators.





	1. The Bartender

  1. The bartender meets Lucifer Kane



_There are things men are not meant to know. And women, come to think of it. An oddly gendered turn of phrase. Still, intense study of the only existing English translation of Etude de la Desolation had driven me from my chambers to seek the only sure comfort I knew of from such horror- a good stiff drink._

The problem with living so close to campus, though it was convenient for his studies, was that there were no bloody bars. Lucifer wasn’t looking to be grinded on by drunk undergrads at the night cub or run into alcoholic profs at the tavern. After fumbling with his phone, he finally managed to pull up a walking map to a quiet bar called “The Bachelor’s Inkwell”.  It was a little off the beaten path, but not too far away.

_I shambled through the night, scarcely in control of my own body. My brain was overrun with ideas that humans were not meant to contemplate. I was sure understanding was just out of my reach, but-_

The bell above the door jingled merrily as the skinny grad student made his way into the bar. He had dark circles underneath the haunted look in his eyes- not unusual for a grad student. Lucifer Kane scrambled up into a stool that was just slightly lower than was comfortable for the firmly 5’10” academic (so long as one included the two inches of height offered by his inordinately curly hair).

“Hey there,” said the bartender. “What can I get for you today?”

_The man behind the bar was handsome in the way of… lonesome cliffs or solitary trees. There was something about him that called out to be climbed, explored, known in ways very few people can truly be known._

“You alright mate?”

“Sorry, yes, I’m fine. I came from… readings and you know how it is.”

“We get plenty like that around here. What do you want to drink?”

_I instantly forgot every single alcoholic beverage I had ever known._

“Scotch?”

“You sure about that? You sound like you’re asking me.”

“I- I’m really not sure.”

The bartender smiled compassionately.

“We’ve got cocktails at two for one. Let me make you something you’ll like and we can have a drink together. I’m a fan of the old-fashioned bachelor, myself.”

Lucifer’s eyebrows raised almost unintentionally as the bartender winked at him and ambled off to make the drinks.  

“Lucius! Mein Gott, I can’t believe you’re in here!”

_The stress that had been beginning to melt from my shoulders returned with reinforcements as Willem Gottfried greeted me too loudly across the bar. A fellow academic, Willem was obsessed with his course of study to the detriment of everything else in his life. He was also a tremendous arsehole. My course of study had intercepted his, however briefly, and he seemed to consider the two of us allies against “The Ones Who Walk Between”._

“It’s Lucifer, actually, and I was just- “

“Trying to reach full understanding, of course? You were reading l’Étude de la désolation, weren’t you? I know just the thing to loosen your mind enough to let understanding truly permeate your understanding. Garçon! An Angel’s Envy for my friend here.”

Willem slung a heavy arm over Kane’s shoulder. Kane flinched noticeably.

“I really don’t- “

“Nonsense! Top shelf bourbon is the only way to proof yourself against the unknowable geometry of the elder city. Besides, you simply must tell me of the translation. I, of course, read it in the original French. Thanks to my connections to le musée de Paris, I was even able to see the original notebook. You can see the ink spots from when his hands shook from existential terror, and a few that I suspect are blood.”

The bartender set a shot in front of Willem and raised an eyebrow at Lucifer, who shook his head. The bartender (“Luke” according to his name badge) winced sympathetically.

“You simply must tell me how you found the work though. The poet was only a minor Romantic and the verse is a bit repetitive but it cannot be argued that his ideas are without merit.”

“Honestly? I found it entirely tedious and without value, much as I find you. You are nothing but a small, sad little man with nothing better to do than hunt down low-level abominations because he can’t actually face the reality of what’s out there.”

_Willem sputtered for a moment but eventually did what I had always intended and left, quickly. He was a resoundingly dull person despite his initial allure and I pitied anyone who might eventually wind up infatuated._

“So, you two…” said Luke, awkwardly.

“Oh dear gods, nothing of the sort. I couldn’t possibly be at all interested in someone like… him. He’s really not my type.”

Luke looked disappointed.

“You might be in the wrong bar then, mate.”

He tilted his head towards the giant rainbow flag on the wall behind the bar and Lucifer startled.

“I don’t suppose you’ll be wanting that drink then,” said Luke, moving to turn away.

_It was immediately clear to me the misconception to which the bartender clung. Equally clear to me was the only solution. There was a connection here that I did not want to lose. I could not find myself lost again in desolation._


	2. The Well Meaning Client

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane and Feels are partners, working together to combat the forces of darkness and other such melodrama. They are not, however, partners in any other sense of the word. Mrs. Evlevis does not seem to realize the latter truth, despite the evidence presented to her. Lucifer Kane and Brutus Feels were only friends. Naturally.

2\. The Client

“So naturally, I shagged him.”

“Wait, the bartender?”

“No, the blowhard academic three months from a burnout. Of course I mean the bartender. What else was I supposed to do? He assumed I was straight. Me!”

“Gotta admit Luce, that’s pretty gay.”

“Why, thank you. Are we out of tea?”

“I think there’s still some in the pot. I’d love a cup if you’re pouring.”

Lucifer pushed himself out of his overdramatic thinking chair (leather, tall, with metal studs and a tragic backstory) and strode into the kitchen.

**_I was left sitting alone in the living room when there was a knock at the door. It was a fragile knock, like someone who wasn’t altogether they were sure they were in the right place and didn’t know quite how to feel about it. I answered the door to find a client more within our typical purview: a woman who looked like small children had been calling her granny for the past twenty years. More unusual was the rather tall, lingering presence behind her, of which she seemed completely unaware._ **

“Kane and Feels?” she asked uncertainly, despite the sign on the door.

“I’m Brutus Feels. Please, come in,” said Brutus, stepping out of the doorway and trying to subtly clear the table of expense sheets and a few odds and ends (and eyes, carefully dropped into the appropriate drawer).

“Would you like a cup of tea?” asked Lucifer, poking a head out of the kitchen. “Yours is almost ready Brutus, I just put the kettle on again.”

“Ta, Luce. Now, ma’am, please have a seat and tell us everything.”

“You can call me Mrs. Evlevis, or just Anna.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Evlevis,” said Brutus. “My partner, Lucifer Feels, is in the kitchen. You’re perfectly safe here.”

**_It didn’t feel quite right, promising a woman with such a specter safety, but it was all I could offer. She started in on her story. In the kitchen, I could hear Kane finishing with the tea. I didn’t think he had seen the dark shape looming over Mrs. Evlevis but I knew he’d know what to do. Lucifer slipped into the room without interrupting the tale and set the tea tray on the table. He rested a hand on my elbow when he finally noticed the creature. I nodded once._ **

_I got Brutus's attention carefully and he nodded. Stall tactics were a certain specialty of his._

“Can you tell me how long you’ve been feeling this presence Mrs. Evlevis?”

“Well it started a few days after my husband died, months ago now. I was heartbroken afterwards, but now I only feel… numb.”

“Numbness can be a part of the grieving process,” said Kane. “In this case, however, I suspect there’s rather more to it than this. Brutus, would you…”

**_Obligingly, I lit the little stick of incense on top of the cabinet and wafted it over the table. The shadowy shape flinched._ **

“Thank you. Now…”

Lucifer snapped his fingers and lit the small candle in the middle of the table.

_Honestly, the candle was more for dramatic effect than anything else, but it was certainly effective._

“Now Mrs. Evlevis, I need you to stare deeply into the candle flame and think thoughts of warmth and safety. Tell us your happiest memory of your husband, perhaps,” said Brutus, encouragingly.

“Well…”

**_While Mrs. E was distracted, Kane sprang into action. He was fascinating to watch, like watching a tree whipping in the world- frantic, natural movement with something… wild at the centre._ **

_I managed to bag the graveyard parasite easily enough. It was a pathetic thing that had been strengthened by the potent aura of grief surrounding the newly-minted widow.  We could deal with it easily. I made a note to discover where Mr. Evlevis had been buried._

“Thank you, Mrs. Evlevis,” said Brutus, after she had finished speaking. “He sounds like he was a good man.”

_Brutus glanced my way and I nodded, once._

“You boys really are incredible. I already feel better. I suppose all I needed to do was talk about this with someone who was really able to listen. How much do I owe you?”

There was a brief moment of meaningful eye contact between the two partners before they turned back to Mrs. Evlevis.

“Mrs. Evlevis,” said Lucifer, casually dropping a vial into a drawer labelled DO NOT OPEN, “we wouldn’t take a pound for this.”

“Nonsense! A nice couple like you needs to take care of yourselves. Dinner tonight is on me. I know the loveliest Greek place near here- almost as good as my mother used to make. You’d be doing me a favour- I so rarely have the chance to eat out. And I insist, you must call me Anna. After this, we are friends.”

**_Lucifer had stiffened like a frightened cat when Mrs. E had called us a couple and I knew he would be of no use. I was, however, starving and I knew that Luce would want to root out the nest of graveyard parasites before we had any more desperate grannies. He had a good heart, even if he buried it under a couple dozen protective charms._ **

“That would be lovely, Mrs. Ev- Anna. Maybe we could visit Gavril afterwards? I’d love to meet him.”

_Anna smiled and she looked twenty years younger. Brutus might have been as soft as a blanket nest full of pillows but he wasn’t wrong. Greek and a good extermination sounded lovely, regardless of what Anna thought of us._

**_As we finished our tea, Lucifer relaxed again. Anna had many stories of her crotchety Greek husband and just as many about her youth on the sort of sundrenched island that only exists on the shores of childhood. When we finally headed out, Luce waited until he thought I wasn’t looking before he handed Anna a small cross off his necklace. She kissed his cheek and he blushed like a hand painted animation cell of Snow White. That was my Lucifer though- a softy until the end. He sealed the salt circle around the living room again on our way out and we made our way into the evening._ **

_Anna was right. The little place down by the Tesco’s had the best Greek food I had ever eaten. And if the baklava wasn’t quite as good as the one Brutus made, that didn’t make the entire thing any less wonderful._


	3. The Nosy Landlord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane and Feels are, much to their chagrin, only human. This means they face very human problems, like oyster cards and nosy landlords. They also have very human needs, like convincing their landlord to leave as quickly as possible. Lucifer's methodology in this case is... effective, to say the least.

3\. The Landlord

_Despite the fact that we regularly came face to face with horrors beyond mortal comprehension, Brutus and I were also forced to come face to face with the mundanities of life: milk, oyster cards and, worst of all, landlords. This meant that, once a month or thereabouts, our landlord would pop by for a nice chat about following the apartment rules and come poke at the sink that had never leaked for as long as we had been living there. Honestly, I couldn’t blame the man, as much as I resented him. Paranormal detectives did not make the best tenants. Unfortunately, he had the worst timing._

**_Lucifer was the one who had actually spoken to the landlord, which meant that Luce was the one who knew when he would actually arrive. This, of course, meant that neither of us knew when he was due. The case we were working on, at any rate, wasn’t dangerous at the moment, although it was quite messy._ **

The knock at the door made both men jump. Lucifer, who should have known it was coming, frowned apologetically at Brutus and scurried to open the door.

“Hullo boys! That sink been giving you any trouble?”

“It never has, Mr. Gillies,” said Lucifer, dryly.

Mr. Gillies walked into the room, stepping carefully over the salt line in front of the door and gave the mess of leather on the table that was eventually going to be a net an appraising look.

“Getting up to trouble, are we?”

Brutus coughed, suddenly.

“Are you quite alright Brutus? There’s more tea for your nerves if you like. I’ll walk Mr. Gillies through the office,” offered Lucifer.

**_Lucifer Kane was the smartest man I knew. He had seen and read things that most people would never dream of unless they were targeted by a particularly malevolent being with a terrible sense of humour. He was also a bloody idiot. I had seen Mr. Gillies’s meaningful glance at the leather, even if Luce was choosing to be oblivious._ **

“I’m alright Luce. What can we do for you Mr. Gillies?”

“I’ve just popped by to see how things are going, ask about business. Maybe a cuppa?”

“Terribly sorry, we’re entirely out of tea,” said Lucifer, completely smoothly. “I think we were just about to head out.”

“I told you I’d be here, didn’t I? Besides, I’ve got to make sure you’re following the tenancy arrangement and all that. No pets, no unauthorized boarders.”

“Unless you count the spirits, Mr. Gillies, I can assure you there’s nothing of note here.”

“Gosh, I sure hope you two aren’t drinking at work.”

_Mr. Gillies’ joke fell as flat as day old beer._

“Now then, come and look. We’ll be… more than happy to show you around the place, for what little there is to see,” said Lucifer.

Brutus gave up on the tangle of leather on the table and joined the impromptu tour. Mr. Gillies poked around the apartment while Brutus and Lucifer tried desperately to keep everything under wraps.

“What are these then?” he asked, crouching over a bundle of protective herbs in the corner. “I don’t want you boys bringing any mice in here.”

“They’re just some herbs,” said Brutus. “My, er, sister brought them in. Protection or somesuch.”

“She into witchcraft then?”

“Something like that,” said Brutus, mouthing **_sorry_** at Lucifer. “Luce says they give the place ambiance.”

Mr. Gillies grunted and stood up.

“And the salt?”

“That’s- well- “started Brutus.

“It serves much the same purpose as the leather,” said Lucifer, tartly, “and much the same purpose as the pentagram in the other room. Now, Mr. Gillies, is there anything else we can do for you today? Brutus and I really do have plans later.”

**_I stared at Lucifer, absolutely goggled._ **

_Brutus was looking at me with a look of befuddlement I hadn’t seen since a client suggested that perhaps he might join their rugby team and I had no idea why.  Then Mr. Gillies spoke and realization dawned more quickly than Apollo showing off._

“Right then. You’re both adults, and what you do on your own time is nobody’s business. Just keep the noise down, alright? If I hear any more complaints about chanting or screaming coming from your apartment, we’ll have to have a Serious Conversation.”

**_The capital letters were audible in that, Serious Conversation. Luce looked like someone was hard rebooting him, though, so he was in no place to parry._ **

“Absolutely, Mr. Gillies. Always a pleasure.”

Brutus shepherded Mr. Gillies to the door and closed it carefully behind him before turning back to Lucifer.

“You good, Luce? Fancy a cuppa?”

“Us! He thought we were having… weird kinky sex! I don’t- I’ll never be able to look him in the eye ever again. I just- The screaming was only one time, you know! And it wasn’t even our fault!”

“Right then. Come on,” said Brutus. “It’s hug time.”

**_I scooped up Lucifer like an abandoned teddy and lifted him into a hug._ **

“Brutus, this is undignified,” **_said Lucifer, somewhere in the vicinity of my shoulder._**

“D’you want me to put you down?”

“…not really.”

“Okay then. Movie tonight?”

“Only if I get to pick. It’s my turn.”

_It definitely isn’t._

**_Lucifer picked last week._ **

“Yeah, okay.”

**_Lucifer Kane was impossible to deal with sometimes. He was stubborn, pigheaded and several other things besides. He was also the most important person in my life and I…_ **

              “I care about you, you know that, Luce? You aren’t alone against the things that go bump in the night.”

              “I- Thank you.”

**** _Brutus hugged me until I felt grounded, and then a little longer for good measure. He was a kind man. A good man in a world with so few good men. Without him, I surely would have been lost many times before. He was… important to me and he deserved to know it. The echo of **“someone you use”** spiraled through my thoughts and I knew I could not, in good conscience, stay silent. _

              “You are… very important to me too, Feels. Now, let me down! We’ve got to finish the net before sundown or it loses all potency.”

**_Shit._ **

              “Alright Luce,” said Brutus, grinning. “Whatever you say.”

              **_I think I love him._**

**** _Feels was grinning like a fool when he released me. I couldn’t help but smile back._

              **_It didn’t even bear thinking about. Lucifer Kane was impossible. He didn’t care about anyone. I wasn’t entirely certain he could care about anyone, after what he’d seen. But still, something inside me couldn’t help but wonder: what if?_**

**** _There were so many questions in the world beyond the apartment. There were even more questions in the world beyond the one in which we found ourselves. I could feel the currents of power and energy ebb and flow around the protective wards around the apartment and the creatures butting against them like curious cats. I could also feel the man in front of me, solid and real in a way so little in my life could be. When I was with Brutus, there were no questions we couldn’t answer, even if I could never say it out loud._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for nothing. For the record, Kane picks Lilo and Stitch for movie night, but only because they watched the Princess Bride last week. Don't forget to leave me a comment all of you wonderful, wonderful people and thank you for reading!


	4. The Friendly Neighbour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR WONDERLAND II  
> Kane and Feels are... on the outs. They're taking a break to get things in order again. This is not because of anything between the two of them, but is instead a result of the greater machinations of the universe that have conspired against the both of them. Jenny seems to be labouring under a rather different impression. It's always nice to have friends though, something which Brutus has recently found to be in unfortunately short supply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR WONDERLAND II BELOW, consider yourself warned.

4\. Jenny 

**_Life after Kane left was harder. He called, sometimes, to let me know that he was still alive. Or rather, he left voicemail messages from Peru and Mongolia. He needed to understand, he said. He needed to know what had happened so he could keep it from ever happening again, to either of us. All I needed was him._ **

**_There was money, of course. The bills dropped like the weight in my stomach every day he was gone and my pension from the police paid a good portion of the rent. Seeing as how it was their fault I’d been shot, they didn’t complain much about paying out._ **

**_I didn’t lack for company, either, with Mrs. Evlevis and good Greek food on Saturdays (though she still asked after Lucifer) and The Cat coming by at more regular intervals with the introduction of wet food to her diet. I had taken to calling her Lucifer in a sort of spiteful Disney reference. Lucy was a good cat, but she still wasn’t the Lucifer I was looking for. The knock at the door on Tuesday evening took me by surprise and for a moment, I dared to hope._ **

**_I opened the door too quickly to find Jenny staring up at me._ **

“Hey big guy. Not high this time, I hope.”

“Huh? Oh no, not this time.  That was really only a one-time thing, y’know? I’m not that into drugs.”

“Yeah, right, that’s why you were willing to take an unknown psychedelic from your rando neighbour. Sure. Can I come in?”

“Certainly. Welcome to the offices of Ka- Welcome to the, uh, apartment, I suppose. The office isn’t really up and running right now. Can I get you a cup of tea?”

“Sure,” said Jenny, “But that’s not really why I’m here. I haven’t seen you around in ages. Your mail gets collected, so I knew you weren’t, like, dead, but you and Lucifer usually go out on one of your… cases or whatever at least once every couple weeks.”

**_I bustled around the kitchen, deliberately ignoring Jenny in the living room. It went against every instinct I had as a host and a Feels, but I knew that I couldn’t afford to break down today._ **

“Lucifer… hasn’t been around much, lately,” Brutus said, finally. “He’s been travelling.”

“Are you still taking cases then? Because I swear, the dryer downstairs has been stealing my socks way more than usual lately.”

**_That was probably the brownie. He liked socks. I made a note to bring him some of the cream cakes he liked later._ **

Jenny peered at Brutus in concern.

“Seriously Brutus, are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

Brutus set down the tea tray on the coffee table with a thump and sat on the couch. Jenny drifted from where she had been awkwardly hovering around the dining room table.

“Cool chair,” she said, moving toward Lucifer’s thinking chair.

“Yeah, it’s Lucifer’s. I wouldn’t sit in it if I were you, he can be a bit… touchy about it.”

**_Also, the chair was probably cursed._ **

“Yeah, okay.”

Jenny sat next to Brutus on the old couch and almost immediately started the inevitable slow sink towards him. She stirred sugar into her tea before turning back to Brutus with an appraising eye.

“When was the last time you slept?”

**_Three days ago._ **

“I had a nap this afternoon.”

“Yeah, that’s a lie.”

“Yeah…”

Brutus took a sip of tea, just for something to do with his hands. It burned his mouth.

“It’s just not the same without Lucifer.”

“Okay, that’s it,” said Jenny, standing up. “We’re going to the cinema. You have thirty minutes and then I’m coming to drag you out of here. We are going to watch a stupid comedy and forget about stupid partners who don’t communicate.”

“I’m like… twice your size,” said Brutus.

“And?”

“Yeah, fair.”

“Don’t take too long, I’m trying not to punch my ex in her stupid face and if I see one more Facebook post about her new partner, I might not be able to hold myself back.”

**_The film was… nice. I usually went to the cinema for art exhibitions or historical features. Lucifer also harbored a secret penchant for terrible horror films that he and I occasionally indulged. Comedy, though, was a medium with which I was remarkably unfamiliar. It was comforting, to let go of the weight that I had been carrying around and indulge in a good belly laugh._ **

**_Afterwards, we walked together through the car park back towards the tube station that would leave us a good ten-minute walk from home._ **

“Thanks so much for this, Jenny, it really helped.”

“Thank you for buying me popcorn. I swear, the combos costs nearly as much as my rent. Fucking Americans.”

“What do the Americans have to do with it?”

“It’s movies, they’re probably involved somehow.”

Brutus acquiesced with a shrug and the night wore on.

They walked a few steps in silence. Spring was starting to dawn, but the night air was still nippy enough to merit sweaters for those who were not large enough to generate their own heat field. Brutus lit a cigarette and offered the pack to Jenny, who took one between dextrous fingers.

“You’re going to be okay, yeah? He’s gone for now, but I know Lucifer. He still loves you.”

**_I snorted despite myself._ **

“If you think he loves me, you really don’t know Lucifer Kane. I’m pretty sure he still thinks I’m straight.”

Jenny laughed.

“You? You read Verne for fun and your collection of Wilde looks like it was hit by a cyclone of sticky notes. You wear almost nothing but combat boots and you own more plaid than a murder of lesbians.”

“To be fair, I don’t think measuring by surface area counts.”

Jenny shrugged and took another drag on her cigarette.

“I still can’t believe you two aren’t together yet.”

“Honestly, what am I supposed to tell him? Hi, I’m bi and I’m totally in love with you?”

“How else is he supposed to know?”

“The whole point is that he doesn’t know. He wouldn’t take it well, I know that much.”

**_I took a puff and let it out into the night air. I spoke without meeting Jenny’s eyes._ **

“I can’t lose him.”

**_Even if, in a way, I already have._ **

Jenny let out a cloud of smoke.

“You really care about him.”

“He’s the most important person in the world to me.”

“Wow. That sounds… really special.”

**_We finished our cigarettes in silence and made our way into the tube. Jenny made a little small talk_** (“Sometimes I think I will never understand your metro”) **_and I nodded along. A fine end to a good evening. When we arrived back at the flat, though, she surprised me. We got out of the lift and she caught me in a hug._**

Jenny’s arms only barely fit around Brutus’s bulk, but her hug was surprisingly tight.

“If you need anything… I don’t have much but I’m always happy for the company. We queer folk have got to stick together.”

“Thank you. And if you ever need someone to punch that ex for you…”

“You’re first on my list for bail money, big guy, but I’m the only one with punching privileges.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pssst if you enjoy this come join the Kane and Feels discord. Shoot me an ask at Readerofmuch on tumblr and I'l send you an invite.


	5. The Foolish Partner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer Kane had not meant for things to go the way they had, but little could be done to change that now. All that was left was to resolve the past and build a present in which he can bear to exist. Feels might have a little something to do with that last part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR WONDERLAND II

_It is an entirely cliché to describe something as “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It is also, however tragically, accurate in the case of my eventual, inevitable return home. I left Monaco with a seething hatred of billionaires, as well as more than a few smouldering bridges behind me. More importantly, I had a lead: a researcher at the University of Strasbourg who had recently turned up after six months of impromptu personal leave who was claiming they could speak wonders. As I lacked a license and certainly did not want to wind up in a French prison, I was forced to catch a train to my next destination. I was sure that understanding was just out of reach; I only needed to ask the right question and the answer would fix everything. I could go home again._

Lucifer stopped outside the train station irritably. His rolling case thudded into his leg and he scowled at it. It was full of things- some of them very nice things, courtesy of a wealthy patron he absolutely could not call on again any time soon- but they were not his things. Even the tie around his neck was wrong.

_It was the sort of irrational fit of pique with which I was comfortably familiar, but I indulged it nonetheless and pulled off my tie. I shoved it into my bag like it had caught fire. As I pulled my hand back, feeling rather silly about the whole thing, my fingers brushed against something I had almost let myself forget: the coat I’d been wearing on the day everything had changed._

Any bystanders would have thought the strange little man mad as he pulled the burnt, battered tan trench coat out of his case and pulled it on as reverently as a young widow’s wedding dress. Thankfully for his dignity, Lucifer Kane had always had a talent for passing unnoticed.

_The coat still fit. Brutus had ordered it off of Amazon- his was navy blue, for variety, he said. I had thought it ridiculous at the time but, much like Feels himself, the idea of it had begun to grow on me. We looked proper detectives in them, even if Hanna laughed at us._

_I fumbled in my pocket for my cigarettes. They had cigarettes in France, of course, but they weren’t the right sort. No matter the brand, they always had an odd aftertaste. I found my pack, but my lighter was lost in one of my many pockets. I quickly abandoned the search though when I found something else entirely: Feels’ spare reading glasses._

“What on earth have I done?”

_With that, I knew just what I had to do._

**_I wasn’t taking any cases. This was very clear- I had even updated the website that Kane had put up in 2015 and immediately forgotten about. And yet-_ **

“Can you help me? Please, I can’t- I love him. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“Of course.”

**_-here I was, casing the joint yet again. He’d texted me to meet him in a McDonald’s parking lot, which was very cliché. I could only hope Tim could forgive me for stepping out on him. It was for a case, though, which probably made it alright. I got myself a tea just for something to do with my hands and waited._ **

**_We had agreed to meet at 3:00. 3:15 past, and 3:30. The workers behind the counter started t give me funny looks (funnier than I usually got, at any rate) and I started weighing the merits of another cup._ **

**_Then he showed up._ **

The young man who came shuffling in had dark circles underneath the haunted look in his eyes- not unusual for a university student. He ordered fries and a coke, frowning irritably at his phone while he waited for the food.

**_The young man who walked in the door was immediately, clearly half possessed. He had a parasite of some sort- like Anna’s had been. His was like nothing I’d ever seen. I didn’t stare, because that was terrible drug deal etiquette, but-_ **

Brutus’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket carefully.

UNKNOWN NUMBER: U here?

BRUTUS: Back corner. I’m the tall one.

**_The way the kid scuffed across the restaurant seemed almost deliberately suspicious. He sat down across me and stared at me like I’d told him the truth about Santa Claus. Or at any rate, what everyone thought the truth to be. Like most things, the reality was far stranger._ **

“Hey, mate. How you been?”

“I’m not your mate, mate. I have what you want, you have what I need. Pretty simple.”

“Dead simple.”

“30 pounds for the eighth.”

**_I choked._ **

“I thought you said- “

“Yeah, well, these fries are cold and I don’t want to be here anymore. Are you in or are you a pussy?”

“There’s really no call for that kind of language. I’m in, but not here. No offense, but you’re really suspicious. You stay here, eat your fries. I’ll text you later.”

Brutus Feels slid out of his seat easy as breathing and walked out into the sunny afternoon.

**_There were steps to be taken, of course. I’d have to rummage through a few of Lu- of Kane’s old books, certainly. But things were looking up._ **

_When I made it back to the flat, things were going very badly. The energy lines around the office were in disarray and I could see a few spots where smaller house spirits had chewed their way in (or out? Hard to say). The inside of the apartment was neat enough- I was glad at least that he hadn’t changed the locks. I owed Feels an apology. Realistically, I owed Feels several apologies and probably supper. Still, amends were to be made._

_The one odd thing I noticed as I made my way into the room was that one of my books was open on the table. It wasn’t a particularly dangerous text, but-_

Lucifer Kane glanced at the page the book was open to and dropped his suitcase.

“Shit.”

He barely took the time to shove his keys back into his pocket before dashing out of the apartment.

_I flagged down a taxi, bugger the price. Feels was trying an expulsion ritual that would have been dangerous with two skilled practitioners. With one, and a relatively inexperienced one at that, it was practically suicide. He was going to get himself killed trying to help someone else, which was just like Feels. It was one of the reasons I-_

_One of the reasons he made such a good partner._

“Alright, where’re we goin’?”

_Feels needed a place that was open to the stars but enclosed on three sides. He’d be near the tube. Bearing in mind the components he’d need and the circle-_

_I gave the driver the address and a fifty euro note from a patron in Monaco to get me there inside of ten minutes. He made it in eight. It was still too late._

**_My schoolboy Latin wasn’t enough for the ritual, apparently. I had made a right mess of the incantation. The spirit was unbound, at least, and I could see the kid stumbling away as quickly as he could. That was good, at least._ **

_Feels had unbound the spirit from the host. Now all he needed to do was bind it and-_

“You idiot! Where’s your circle?”

“Kane?!”

**_I looked away from the spirit to find none other than Lucifer bloody Kane staring me down._ **

“No, it’s the ghost of Hamlet,” said Lucifer, striding across the empty lot towards the quickly growing cloud of ominous darkness. “Where the bloody hell is your containment circle?”

“I drew it… here!” said Feels, indicating a patch of ground that looked very much like the rest of the ground. “It’s painted and covered over, so we can trap him.”

“That’s clever,” said Kane.

_Covering this particular circle negated the effects entirely, but we didn’t have time for that. I could solve this, but-_

 “This next part is going to be rough. Stand ready, Feels. You need to find a truth within yourself, something that is entirely and irrevocably true. Do you have it?”

“I- I’m not sure, I- “

“Feels! We don’t have time for quibbling. I ask again: do you have it?”

_Feels nodded once and then the cloud was upon us._

**_I held my truth like a lighthouse holds a beacon, anchoring myself to it. The… creature surrounded us like sepulchral air, instantly stifling any light or life that might ever have existed. I had fain memories of being deliriously furious at my partner’s return only seconds ago. Now, it was as if I had never known Kane at all. I had met the void and it didn’t even know I existed. I could hear something at the edges of my perception like the niggling feeling I had left the laundry in. It took everything in me to listen._ **

“- eels! Brutus goddamnit do you hear me?  Brutus, you’ve got to hold on!”

**_I grabbed onto the rope that was being dangled into my well of despair and started pulling._ **

_I could feel the energy shift as Feels found his footing again. I seized the moment and launched into chanting the incantation to banish the damned thing. I could hear Feels chanting in perfect counterbalance, but I couldn’t make out the words._

**_I couldn’t tell if I was speaking, if I had ever spoken before in my life. All I knew was the truth:_ **

_**“Kane is here and I am safe. Kane is here and I am safe. Kane is here and I AM SAFE.”**_

_I was nearly there. I only needed the closing incantation. I went to turn the page and-_

SLAM

_The book slipped from my grasp and landed in the dirt. As it hit the ground, everything seemed to stop._

Lucifer Kane fell to his knees in the dirt, choking on air.

_Grandmother’s face after I came out. Luke’s gentle smile as he kissed me for the last time. Professor Angell after everything that had happened- or what was left of him, at any rate. They were all leaving. Everyone left. Everyone would always leave._

_Then I heard a voice that I knew better than my own and I knew the truth._

**_“KANE IS HERE AND I AM SAFE.”_ **

“ **Begone, foul creature,** ” intoned Lucifer Kane, in a voice with too many layers.  “ **You have no power here.** ”

_A touch cliché, maybe, but it did the job._

The creature, barely more than a leech, coalesced into something small and dark. It deflated quickly and eventually disappeared completely.

“That’s a problem for another day,” said Kane, before sitting down in a way that could easily be described as collapsing by a lesser man. Feels looked concerned for half a second before eventually joining him on the hard-packed dirt.

“Let’s not do that again,” said Luce.

Brutus snorted.

“What, the whole you disappearing for months at a time or fighting a supernatural creature in probably the last empty plot in London?”

“…both?”

“God, you’re lucky I love you.”

_What?_

“Sorry, what?”

**_Shit._ **

“I mean- I don’t want to pressure you I know we aren’t- “

_It was immediately clear to me the false conclusion that Brutus had reached. Equally clear to me was the solution to his misapprehension. I needed Feels in the way I needed air to breathe or books to read. He was… everything._

“Feels?”

“Yes?” said Brutus, in a voice that sounded equally hopeful and heartbroken.

“Do shut-up.”

_The fleeting crossness on Brutus’s face melted completely as I surged forward to kiss him._

The two men kissing in the last empty lot in London were not beautiful. They were tired, dirty and sprawled on the ground like discarded teddies. They were also indescribably happy.

**_Kane kissed me and it felt like putting in the last piece of a puzzle I hadn’t realized I was solving._ **

_Kissing Feels felt like coming home. I wondered how long I’d been missing this for half a second and then Brutus pulled back._

“I love you too,” said Luce, breathlessly. The moment hung between them, perfect and shining, before Brutus chuckled.

**_The offended look of Luce’s face only made my giggling worse._ **

“Feels, what-?”

“We did this whole thing backwards,” said Feels, helplessly. He laughed and this time Luce joined him in giggling on the ground.

“We really did, didn’t we? God, we moved in together before I even knew your phone number!”

“Yeah, because you fried your mobile trying some kind of channelling ritual!”

“It worked, too. God, I’m glad to be back.”

“You owe me an explanation, you know that? You owe me several explanations and also probably a pint.”

“What I did was- “

“But not right now. For now, you’re here and that’s enough for me.”

**_We held hands the entire tube ride home, clinging to each other desperately. I couldn’t watch him walk away again._ **

_When we got home, we were still holding hands. I had home standing beside me, but I had missed the flat and the cat both. We were making our way towards the building when a voice rang down from on high._

“FUCKING FINALLY!”

“Jenny?” asked Lucifer.

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool,” said Feels with a little wave.

“YOU KNOW I CAN HEAR YOU, RIGHT?”

Lucifer leaned in as close as possible to Brutus, tugging him down.

“You know what I’m thinking Feels? I’m thinking we ought to give our eavesdropper a proper show.”

“What are you- OOF!”

Lucifer leapt at Feels, who caught him almost instinctively and dipped him into a deep kiss. With his free hand, he flipped Jenny off in the friendliest way he knew how.

“YOU TOO BUDDY! GET A ROOM!”

Lucifer blew an over-dramatic kiss and Feels carried him forward, into the building and the future alike.


	6. The Businessman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer Kane and Brutus Feels offered a distinct set of services. If one were in desperate straits, they were the ones to call. So when an eccentric businessman and his lovely assistant drop by with a proposition, they listen. Kane and Feels have also never been afraid of being heard and they absolutely have Opinions on these two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The self-indulgent fluff I want to see in the world.

+1 The Impatient Developer         

“So what you’re saying is that I’m right and you shouldn’t have done that?”

“Feels, this situation is already undignified enough.”

“Look mate, I’m not the one stuck upside down on that couch until my handsome, wonderful partner goes to the store and buys me the ingredients for a “mystical ritual beyond human comprehension”. All you have to do is say you were wrong and I’ll pop off to Tesco’s.”

“I can hear the air quotes, Brutus. You’re the one who used the last of my sage on last night’s supper.”

Brutus stuck his tongue out at Luce, even though there was no way Luce could see it.

“Yeah, and you loved it.”

“…it was decent.”

Feels moved to open the door as he answered his partner.

“Decent! Honestly. If it weren’t for me, you’d live off of beans on toast.”

“There’s nothing wrong with beans on toast!”

“Right, they’re just- beans!”

 The young woman in the polka-dot blouse who’d been standing just outside the door jumped. Feels startled almost as hard, reflexively closing the door in her face.

“Yes, the fact that they’re beans is the point, Brutus… is what I’d say if you were here.”

“Still here, Luce. We have- “

Three firm raps on the door cut Brutus off.

“-clients.”

Brutus opened the door sheepishly. The young woman adjusting glasses that looked like they’d made a desperate break from the 1950s and hadn’t quite made it out smiled brightly.

“Hi! My name is Carey Keene, assistant to Mr. Franklin Dix. Is this the office of Kane and Feels, ghost detectives?”

From the couch, Lucifer snorted audibly. Whether it was at the name or referring to them as “ghost detectives”, neither could say, honestly.  

“Well you’re half right. Come in, please. I’m Brutus Feels, and that lump on the couch over there is my partner, Lucifer Kane.”

Lucifer waved.

“Why is he upside down on the couch?” asked Carey, apparently before she could think better of it.

“I got a nose bleed.”

“You shouldn’t be upside down if you have a nose bleed, that won’t help.”

“I no longer have a nosebleed. I am upside down because _some_ body used the last of my sage.”

Brutus sighed.

“I apologized for that!” he said over his shoulder before stepping aside. “Please, Ms. Keene, come in. I’m sorry for my partner, he can’t be right side up at the moment or he might start oozing something from outside this reality.”

“The runes on the mirror were very unclear. They were backwards, and also runes,” added Lucifer, helpfully.

“Thanks so much, bye now. Carey, do we have the right people or not?” said an impatient voice from behind Carey Keene, pocketing his cellphone. “I don’t have all day, Aggie’s been on my case about scheduling.”

“Yes Mr. Dix, these are the men you’re looking for.”

“Excellent, thanks so much Carey, you’re a real doll.”

Carey Keene smiled and then disappeared back down the hallway to wherever assistants go to accomplish things, leaving a man in a suit that should have been left in the 1940s standing in the doorway.

“Mr. Feels, it’s a pleasure,” he said, stepping into the apartment.

Brutus Feels was 6’9”, easily the largest person in any room. This man seemed to take up more room in the small apartment/office, if only by virtue of attitude.

“You seem like sensible men,” he said, without preamble.

“…something like that,” said Brutus. On the couch, Lucifer chortled.

“I have a business proposition for you. Shall we sit?”

Brutus gestured at the table, which was only mostly in order. Franklin Dix looked at the hard, wooden chair disdainfully before takin a tentative seat. At the same time Brutus circled the couch and, without a word, scooped up his partner. It was a bit of a struggle to keep him upside down, but eventually the two wound up at the table. Lucifer sprawled across Brutus’s lap and fixed the man sitting a few feet away in upside-down scrutiny.

“You said you had a business proposition?”

“Certainly,” said Mr. Dix, taken aback. “I’m Franklin Dix, owner of a dozen buildings around London. I was hoping for your help.”

“We don’t take ghost cases,” replied Lucifer.

“We’re more than willing to hear you out, Mr. Dix,” said Brutus, shifting his knee and poking Luce in the back.

“Wonderful. As paranormal detectives, you two carry a certain degree of… authenticity in your field. It was my hope that you might be willing to leverage your authenticity for our mutual benefit.”

Lucifer steepled his fingers in front of his face. The dramatic effect was somewhat lessened by the way his hair flopped on end.  

“So you want us to lie.”

“That’s not how I would have put it,” said Mr. Dix.

“That’s not a no,” Brutus pointed out, absently resting a hand on Luce’s thigh to keep him from sliding head first onto the floor.

“All I need for you to do is certify a certain tenement building to be home to some variety of specter or ghoul. It’s my understanding that most places are. It’s a half-truth at worst.”

“You’re done your research then. I’d expect you to be slightly more aware of what it is that we do, Mr. Dix. Otherwise, you would never have come,” said Lucifer, smiling a Cheshire that was all the more unnerving in it’s inversion.

“I’m sorry, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” asked Mr. Dix.

“Well, that depends. If you think that was an unequivocal denial, you’re probably on the right track,” said Brutus. He settled into his chair.

Mr. Dix stood and looked at them both in disgust, though whether it was their refusal or the lovestruck look on Luce’s face was impossible to say.

“A word to the wise,” said Lucifer. “Keep an eye on your shadow for the next few days. I’d hate for anything… untoward to happen.”

“And be nicer to Carrie,” added Brutus. “She doesn’t deserve that.”

Mr. Dix was almost crimson as he pushed his chair in hard enough that it jolted the entire table.

“You two are the most- ridiculous, useless paranormal specialists I have ever heard of. You’re missing out, you know. This is going to be big!”

“And close the door behind you!”

Mr. Dix didn’t quite slam the door, but it was a close call.

“Come on Luce, you don’t have to be mean. He wasn’t wrong.”

Luce settled onto Brutus.

“…I suppose. Still, I maintain that the shadow comment was a stroke of genius.”

“What did you do?”

“Absolutely nothing! That’s the best part.”

Brutus laughed so hard Luce almost fell off his lap.

“God, you’re wonderful.”

“Just Lucifer will do. For now.”

Brutus stood suddenly, just catching his partner before he could slide onto the floor.

“Come on then. I’ll put you in your big chair so you can pout until this wears off.”

“I am not pouting!”

Lucifer crossed his arms, looking very much like someone who was pouting.

“Can we watch that French show you like? I want to see the rumpled agent realize he’s actually desperately in love with the assistant.”

“Babe, you can’t read the subtitles upside down,” Brutus pointed out.

“Now I might just have to sulk.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be right here with you. I’ll read The Raven, set the mood.”

“Did you ever find my full set? I think I must have left it in the basement.”

“Really? The brownie will have it by now then.”

Lucifer sighed overdramatically from his position in his partner’s arms.

“That’s it. We have to read the Cask of Amontillado. It’s no good if you don’t understand my jokes.”

Brutus’s eyes twinkled as he answered.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You are the absolute worst.”

Luce brought his head up and kissed Brutus on the cheek before flinging himself backwards before he could start leaking inter-dimensional goo.

“I know,” said Brutus. “But you’re just as bad.”

He dipped again and kissed Lucifer softly. After everything else, it was the least they deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic and sticking with me through all of this. Kudos to you if you can figure out the naming scheme (it's not hard but it is fun) and I would really appreciate kudos from you because you are all lovely. I live for your comments, too. This was so much fun to write! I'm glad you were all here to come on this journey with me.


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